The Courtesy Candle

September 23, 2008 at 11:29 pm (Apartment Living) (, , , , , , )

I grew up with a shameless brother and father so I was already prepared for the onslaught any future bathroom of mine would sustain. And you should prepare your bathroom for the same. Think of it as a war zone, a war zone in which you will be occupying often. And everyone appreciates clean trenches.

My sister stays with me a few nights a week to make her drive to class shorter for her. She has an interesting ritual that involves drinking lots of water and using the bathroom for both numbers…A LOT. The situation that occurred today reminded me that I should warn the rest of you to BE PREPARED.

My brother-in-law isn’t the most courteous in regards to his bowels, so when he stopped by today I was weary. The first place he stopped after arriving at my place was, of course, the bathroom. Now I was ready for what was about to happen because it’s happened so often. On the counter top next to the toilet sat a nice cranberry candle. It’s referred to as the ‘courtesy candle’. If you are a wonderful person who is about to expel not-so-wonderful things, you light the candle to help clear the air. Well after about 5 minutes of him in there, my sister urged him to hurry because now SHE had to go. He flew out and she flew in. Cursing also came out of her along with insults towards his “sphincter” (in only a way my sister can accomplish). After she was completed, he went right back in. Now keep in mind, when she went in, the candle was lit. At this point though, I think it probably had it. The amusing part of this was that my walls have strange yellow drippings on them going from about the ceiling to midway on the walls. We questioned where they came from but couldn’t really figure out why they were there. I joked when he was in the bathroom that now I knew, the walls were melting from the evil he was letting out. My sister said the walls must be crying. I’ll admit I like her version better. After they were both done playing tag-team-bathroom, I’m fairly certain my entire apartment smelled like a beagle’s butt. We decorated the bathroom with candles everywhere and it looked like we were trying to perform a seance in the bathroom to exercise demons (really, we were).

I guess the point of this is I haven’t found an air freshener yet that I am completely comfortable with. Most have these strange, fruity smells that just keep whatever bad smell is around and adds a dash of fruity with it too so the air smells like fruity-farts. My advice is to either invest in LOTS of candles, air freshener, and any other aroma-soothing items for your bathroom. I’m lucky enough to be on terms with my sister that dictate that we can speak to each other however we want. But you’re not going to get to tell grama how much the bathroom smells after she’s used it when she’s over.

I don’t say this for their sake even necessarily. If you have to use the bathroom soon after they are done, how great is it going to be to walk into a cloud of doom? Save everyone, including yourself.

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